“You are the sky, everything else is just weather” ~ Pema Chödrön
The yin and yang of it all. Growing, healing and loving is never just one straight path is it? And I don’t want to say it’s complicated because there’s enough wisdom and guidance to help us simply dissect the complexity that life has to offer.
One lesson I am yet to master is the art of detachment. Conceptually it looks like the practice of engaging with life wholeheartedly while accepting that we cannot control every outcome. It is a way of living with openness instead of fear.
One of Pema’s greatest lessons is that suffering often arises from our resistance to change. We cling to identities, expectations and relationships as though they are permanent, even though impermanence is the very nature of life. By learning to accept change instead of fighting it, we cultivate greater resilience and inner peace.
But really what we fear is not change, it is the pain that comes with change. The “growing pains”, at least for me – that’s what I battle with not because I don’t believe that I’ll come out on the other side, it’s more because I’ve been through so much pain already that I am tired of experiencing it. So what if there was another way? What if change could just be change without feeling all the pain that comes with it? What if instead of feeling it all so deeply we could escape it?
Sorry to burst your bubble! It’s not possible!
Don’t get me wrong there’s many ways to escape pain, that’s why most of the world uses drugs or alcohol to help numb it (not judging), merely explaining the natural desire for humans to escape pain. But pain is essentially a very powerful emotion to feel and it’s also the emotion that teaches us the most about ourselves, well if we let it. We have to let it, we have to give ourselves the permission to feel things fully, pain, joy, love and heartbreak. This is how we know we’re alive. Sometimes courage doesn’t look like doing grand gestures but simply letting ourselves feel all our feelings.
Pema’s teachings also remind us that thoughts and emotions are temporary visitors, not fixed truths. Rather than becoming consumed by anxiety, disappointment or self criticism, we can observe these experiences with curiosity and compassion. This creates the psychological space to respond intentionally instead of reacting impulsively.
Perhaps the most liberating aspect of detachment is releasing the need for certainty. Growth rarely emerges from comfort or predictability. By learning to remain present with uncertainty, we become more adaptable, courageous and emotionally resilient.
Detachment also transforms the way we love. It encourages us to care deeply without trying to possess, control or define others. In doing so, our relationships become rooted in compassion, respect and freedom rather than fear. But it’s tricky, because with relationships it’s a two way street. And so when detachment comes knocking on the door for the people whom we love, how do we respond? Do we open the door and welcome it in or do we ignore it completely, there’s a third option, we could tightly lock the door and refuse to open it. But here’s another universal truth – what we resists persists and life will continue to teach us the same lesson over and over until we eventually learn it.
And so, Pema Chödrön teaches us that letting go is about staying grounded with what exists beneath the changing conditions of life. When we stop clinging to what was or what should be, we become fully available to what is and see things with more clarity.
“You’re so brave to keep going even when it hurts little one.”
