Life will continue to present you with situations that might trigger your insecurities. This may cause you to blur or erode your boundaries. When this happens, take the necessary actions to restore your confidence, wellbeing, and peace of mind.
Your boundaries refer to your verbal and sometimes non-verbal communication with the world and its people. They indicated where I end and where you begin. Boundaries determine how we are treated and protect us from being overwhelmed by daily stress and power dynamics. In short, boundaries are our own personal limits.
Unsurprisingly, all of us have moments where our boundaries are put to the test. This often happens when someone oversteps our expressed boundaries, or when we struggle to explicitly articulate or defend our boundaries. A recent experience led me to question again whether I am as in tune with my boundaries as I think I am. About two years ago, I agreed to support a group with their work. I was clear that I agreed to this request because it was linked to my own passion and commitment to change the world. Even though I had been clear about the scope of my involvement, from the beginning of the encounter I found myself in a situation where my boundaries were becoming blurred. Despite having negotiated the parameters of my involvement, the situation and what it required of me kept changing. With every change, I found myself moving further and further away from my initial intention. I dismissed these moments of boundary blurs because I thought (quite naively) that I could still support and make a difference in the space. The period of my intervention extended from six months to two years, during which time I hobbled along, hoping that my presence and engagement were helping resolve and move things forward.
The last straw for me was when others showed up, and being newer to the space started loading even more demands on me. As I was about to accede to their requests, I caught myself, realising how far I had strayed from my intention. I finally admitted that I had long missed all the signs that my boundaries were being eroded. While I persistently clung to the desire to be of ‘help’, I continued tolerating a scenario that was way beyond what I desired. I had gone from being clear about my strengths and skills (and my intention) to being at the mercy of what I thought previously dealt with internal patterns of trying to be a pleaser and ‘fixer’. This then coalesced into a situation where I felt deeply disillusioned, unhappy and more than a bit resentful.
Looking closely at myself and the situation, I realised I felt guilty about wanting to release myself from this dynamic. I felt guilty that I had the option of moving forward with my own projects and interests. I had also over time lost touch with what I wanted. In the process, I was causing more harm than good, not only to myself but to the others involved due to my reticence to own up to my truth and take decisive action. I also had to acknowledge that my guilt stemmed from privilege and power, and was manifesting in ways that were neither helpful nor empowering for anyone involved.
I finally decided to re-centre myself and found the courage to take a stand for my personal values of doing work that is joyful and meaningful. Once I made my decision, I expressed my desire to leave the space. I was confident that the group would find their own solutions. I also suggested that if they needed support of the kind I was willing and able to provide, they could reach out to me.
This incident reminded me to be aware of unconscious patterns that might shake my confidence, wellbeing, and peace of mind. I acknowledged that, despite having done a lot of work on myself, there will continue to be situations that might trigger my insecurities and cause me to ignore my boundaries.
Here are some tips on how to reaffirm your boundaries should you find yourself in a similar situation:
You don’t have to be radical to imagine a radically inclusive future. Here are three simple steps to bring radical imagination into the everyday.
#1 Get to know your boundaries
Sometimes the only way we learn about our boundaries is when someone steps on them or they become blurred. We need realistic boundaries around how much time we allocate to people and projects, to whom, when and where we relate, and what kinds of interactions we are open to. This approach ensures that we speak our expectations clearly, hear the expectations of others, and then respond to the actual capacity of all parties, instead of what we imagine. Boundaries allow us to prioritise, enabling us to perform well and not spread ourselves too thin.
When we are aware of our boundaries, we begin to communicate more effectively and compassionately. Being explicit about our boundaries helps us carve out our own spaces without alienating or offending others. We can practice saying ‘no’ and face the feelings that arise. Knowing our emotions and emotional capacity allows us to create a space of safety for ourselves and others.
#2 Address boundary violations early
The longer you ignore boundary violations, the greater their impact and acceptability. Once boundary violations become habitual, there is far more resistance to changing them. In addition, stating your boundaries and expectations early makes them part of how people see you. Remember that people will not know your boundaries until you explain them. It is not fair to expect people to read your mind or to suddenly change the rules without prior warning.
#3 Don’t see boundary violations as character flaws
Setting your boundaries should address someone’s behaviour rather than point out their personality flaws. Instead of calling someone inconsiderate and disrespectful for their actions and expressing how their behaviour affects you, express how you would like them to behave.
#4 Boundaries related to power
Our experiences of unequal power and oppression continue to exist. They have mutated and evolved, often manifesting through microaggressions and acts of appeasement in our daily interactions. Unequal power dynamics render everyday personal moments political. I often find that solidarity and support networks help to address these types of boundary violations. This approach offers a doorway into creating a daily practice of resisting forces of oppression (inner and outer). Find out where such support exists and how you can access it.
#5 Lean into your support team
Setting boundaries is tough as it often goes against many social conventions, disrupts power dynamics and raises uncomfortable feelings. Being able to check in with people who know you, value you and have addressed similar challenges, can help you feel less alone and “unreasonable”. In addition, knowing you have the backup and understanding of those who hold some power in a situation can go a long way towards standing your ground.
#6 Trust yourself as your own authority
Trust that your feelings are true for you and are alerting you that something is not right. Go with your gut. Does something feel wrong no matter how much you and others try to talk you out of it? If it feels wrong, there is a reason for it and ignoring your discomfort will not make it go away. If you approach your feelings, thoughts and intuitions with care and authentically communicate with others, you should discover more clarity about what is right for you.
#7 Let go of perfection
Our relationships often unfold in systems of high stress, unequal power, unresolved histories and fragmented understandings. Setting and maintaining boundaries in these conditions can be tough, especially as few of us are exposed to examples of respectful, clear boundary setting. Be willing to get it wrong, and see it as a practice rather than something you should be able to do automatically.
If you would like further insight on learning how you can get back in control of your life and reaffirm boundaries, feel free to get in touch with me.
