“… perfectionism was a commitment to habitual self-doubt. That self-doubt was my comfort zone, and perfectionism was my practice. And now, I feel like I’m in this other rhythm where it’s like, “I’m not perfect, and that’s not even on the table.”
― adrienne maree brown
A few days ago, in conversation with one of my coaching clients, we discussed an opportunity that had opened up, one she has worked towards for almost five years. Now that the opportunity finally became available, however, she started questioning whether she was ready, ”What if I fail? What if it is not what I imagined?”
Many of us have likely found ourselves in similar conversations with our inner selves – arguments that hold us back from stepping into new opportunities or trying something outside of our comfort zones. We tell ourselves, “I won’t start that project,” or “I shouldn’t put myself forward,” because fear lurks in the background, fear of failure, fear of feeling disempowered, fear of repeating past mistakes. We craft stories around “What if I fail,” imagining all the ways things could go wrong and convincing ourselves that avoiding action is the safest choice. Our hyper vigilance combines with issues related to our context and negatively affects our confidence, convincing us that it is not possible to do the things we want to do. These doubts can be insidious, sneaking into our minds and making us question our abilities, our worth, and whether we’re truly capable of success.
Similarly, we hesitate to make requests, ask questions, or voice our opinions because we’re afraid of rejection or criticism. The thought, “What if I am rejected?” can become a barrier that keeps us silent or disengaged. We worry about how others will perceive us, and in doing so, we often shrink ourselves, thinking it’s a better choice than to risk disappointment or embarrassment. This inner dialogue echoes in many aspects of life, whether in relationships, careers, or personal pursuits, and slowly diminishes our confidence, keeping us in a cycle of self-doubt.
There’s a lesson there about how much of our self-doubt is rooted in our resistance to vulnerability and the fear of ‘falling’ or failing. Yet, it’s precisely in the falling that we often learn, grow and discover our true strength. The challenge is to reframe our relationship with failure and doubt, seeing them not as indicators of inadequacy but as essential, even necessary, parts of a journey toward growth and self-discovery. If we can shift our perspective and accept that failing is part of the process, it becomes easier to take risks, to trust ourselves, and to move beyond our doubts with courage and resilience.
The good news is, doubt is a perfectly normal and universal response. It is a natural part of the human experience, something that everyone encounters at various points in their lives. Doubt arises from our innate desire for safety and certainty, as our minds instinctively seek to protect us from potential failure, rejection, or harm. In reality, the reason most of us struggle to move forward towards our desires is because of an unconscious need to protect ourselves. And our protective strategies are often made up out of our fears, our unconscious beliefs about power (misusing it or being harmed by it), and our inner critic.
Recognising that doubt is a common and shared experience can be incredibly reassuring. It reminds us that we are not alone in feeling uncertain or unsure. Even the most confident, successful people have faced moments of doubt – sometimes repeatedly – and have learned to navigate through them. Understanding that doubt is a normal response helps us to be kinder and more compassionate toward ourselves when it arises. Instead of viewing doubt as a sign of weakness or failure, we can see it as an indicator that we are stretching beyond our comfort zone, growing, and taking risks. It’s a sign that we care deeply about the outcome and that we are wrestling with important questions about our capabilities and our direction. By normalising doubt, we can start to detach some of its power over us, recognising it as a temporary state rather than a fixed barrier. Ultimately, accepting doubt as a natural part of life allows us to approach it with curiosity and patience, rather than fear, creating space for transformative resilience, learning, and ultimately, greater confidence to emerge.
Now, here’s the challenging truth: if you truly want to grow and move forward, you need to push past your protective impulses. You have to take action: try new things, embrace failure, explore uncharted territory, and learn from your mistakes. You might even get hurt along the way. But these experiences are vital. Without them, you won’t be able to advance to the next stage of your journey. Progress requires vulnerability, resilience and a willingness to face discomfort. It’s an essential part of the growth process.
Playing it small vs playing to our power
When we hear the words ‘playing big’, many of us dismiss it as something that should not apply to us. This is because the idea of playing big is often linked to celebrities or politicians, people who tend to ‘sell out’ and live life according to the rules and terms of capitalism. On the other extreme, we are presented with the ‘poor, dedicated, humble’ activist or poet, who sacrifices themselves for a greater cause and is beyond measuring their worth in recognition or money. In this way, Western culture tends to polarise people into binaries, with the wealthy and famous framed as individuals who rise above the systems or the radicals and creatives as people who give up their needs to disrupt the system. With such a limited world, it is not surprising that we have developed a bias against the notions of ‘bigness’, wellbeing and success.
Correspondingly, through my personal experience and my coaching practice, I have realised that we often play small because of deeply ingrained biases about what it truly means to play big or to step into our power. Many of us have internalised messages – whether from society, family, or our own experiences – that suggest claiming our full potential is either self-centred, dangerous, or somehow inappropriate. We might believe that standing out, speaking loudly, or taking up space is arrogant or unwarranted, which leads us to hold back, settle for less, or diminish ourselves to fit into certain expectations. These internalised narratives create a fear of being seen as overbearing or unworthy, and as a result, we shrink ourselves to avoid conflict, rejection or discomfort.
This bias about what it means to show our power also reinforces the idea that playing small is being humble or modest, but, in reality, it often stems from a fear of vulnerability and rejection. Playing to our power requires us to confront our fears and to redefine what strength and confidence look like – recognising that true power is rooted in authenticity, self-worth and courage. When we challenge our biases about playing small, we open the door to greater possibilities, to expressing ourselves fully, and to stepping into the impact we are capable of making. It’s about shifting our perception of power from something intimidating to something empowering, anchoring us in our worth and inviting us to live and lead with courage.
For example, time and time again over the years, I have had to face up to some not-so-very-pretty truths about myself. One is that one of my biggest fears is falling flat on my face and not succeeding. My inner critic keeps whispering, ‘Who are you to do this thing? People will judge you! You are really not worthy!’ It has been an ongoing battle with these voices of doubt, and the results were me holding back from taking pleasure in goals finally coming to fruition, goals I spent time and money on realising. I have at times been tempted to step away from projects I initiated because my inner critic suggests that I might be getting ‘too big for my boots’ or my protective functions flag that I am becoming too visible and therefore open to hurtful criticism. Sometimes I also hold back, and truth be told, hide in spaces because I am afraid of being too visible. This is very different from taking up too much space. When we play small, we often hold ourselves back out of fear, self-doubt, or a desire to avoid discomfort; effectively diminishing our presence and potential. It’s a way of shrinking ourselves to fit into perceived expectations or to avoid vulnerability.
In contrast, someone who takes up too much space may do so from a different place, often out of a need to dominate, prove themselves, or gain attention at the expense of others. Taking up too much space is about overcompensation or imbalance, whereas playing small is about self-restriction and self-neglect. Recognising this distinction helps us understand that true confidence is about finding our authentic voice and presence, rather than either shrinking ourselves or overpowering others.
My initial turning point in this battle was when I first owned up to the fact that there was another voice (my inner activist/authority) that I could also listen to. I conceded that there would be no magic moment when everything fell into place. Instead, I had to make peace with the reality that, in order to live up to my greater potential, I would have to constantly step up. In doing so, I would also have to engage in conversation with my fear and inner critic. Using the voice of my inner authority to step out of shrinking myself began with cultivating self-awareness and trust. It meant I had to connect to my core values, beliefs and strengths. It required an awareness of my impulse to hold back, second-guess, or diminish myself. In such moments, I would pause and consciously reconnect with that inner voice of authority – my deepest sense of knowing and self-trust. I had to remind myself of what I stand for and the unique contributions only I had to offer.
The Systemic Roots of Doubt
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” ― Audre Lorde
Doubt, like many of the wounds of white supremacy culture, is intersectional and deeply layered. Like many of us, I know what it is like to be plagued by feelings of self-doubt and inner criticism due to an intersectional marginalised identity, and I now also know that these patterns do not arise from an innate deficiency or overcompensation as an individual.
Holding marginalised identities means we are under constant pressure to figure out, adapt to, assimilate into, and support hierarchies we have little to no say in defining. Adding to this, the invisibility of implicit exclusions and microaggressions fills us with self-doubt and fuels our inner critics. Similarly, our experiences at the intersections of race, gender, class, neurodivergence, bodily appearance, disabilities and so on mean that we can never truly feel seen, safe or secure in spaces or workplaces that are historically biased towards white-male, or able-bodied identities. In these spaces, many of us are implicitly, if not explicitly, shown that we don’t belong. Thus, we must lean into the vigilance of our inner doubts, allowing the inner critic to become an automated safety mechanism. Poor and working-class people, for example, almost always have to adopt upper middle-class ways of talking and writing if they desire to move up the economic and social hierarchies of power; often using vigilance and inner criticism as ways to ‘police’ their communications in order to assimilate.
“It’s not the world that was my oppressor, because what the world does to you, if the world does it to you long enough and effectively enough, you begin to do to yourself.” ― James Baldwin
Yes, almost everyone experiences doubt. Yet for a privileged few, it is a short-term snag, a problem that shows up when first engaging with something outside their comfort zone. White men, for example, might experience doubt when they first start working in a new environment, but when their work and intelligence are systemically validated – because it is in line with what is expected – their feelings of self-doubt start to fade away. Moreover, growing up, they are exposed to role models that mirror their identities at work and in the media; and their resulting contributions, leadership style and expertise are expected and therefore rarely questioned.
Conversely, where we hold marginalised identities, we are often judged as incompetent, based purely on identity-based factors. When, as a consequence, we too start questioning our worth, we are encouraged to “dismantle our inner critic” or “overcome our imposter syndrome” – rather than challenge the unjust distributions of systemic power and privilege that cause us to adopt these psychologically constructed protections in the first place.
When feelings related to belonging or confidence are assigned exclusively to self-doubt, this attaches a subtle stigma to justified feelings of uncertainty or anxiousness. In other words, your lack of confidence might be interpreted as an individual failure rather than an ongoing battle with microaggressions, stereotypes, gender bias, ableism and racism. All of these steal our power, motivation, strength and resilience – instead of ensuring that our lack of trust in ourselves is under our control and easily banished with a few positive affirmations. Conversely, as I became more rooted in feminism and intersectional ways of thinking, I became aware that it takes considerable work to understand which parts of our experiences are rooted in systemic exclusion and which parts are linked to work that is needed on our confidence, inner criticism and sense of self-worth. So, although leading change starts from within, part of the inner work is recognising where our doubts and self-criticisms arise from in the first place.
Being Real as an Antidote to Doubt
“To me, being real means living my life the way I choose. With my rules, my expectations and a healthy dose of acceptance of my shortcomings and doubts. However, that is certainly easier said than done. Those of us who want to keep it real must constantly juggle between our instincts to act however we want and our inner doubts, adopted in order to cater to society’s expectations.” — Shamillah Wilson.
Many things make us doubt our ability to be true to ourselves – fear, shame, duty, etc. In many of my coaching sessions, I often sense a deep longing to not be concerned about the fear of letting others down, the fear of embarrassing ourselves, the fear of rejection, the fear of judgement, the fear of standing out, the fear of falling flat on our faces, the fear of being alone, the fear of being too much, and the list goes on.
Of course, we want to be real, to be true to ourselves, and yet, so much gets in the way that sometimes it seems impossible. There are bills to pay, people to please, rules to follow, wounds to protect and shame to hide. After all, the systems we live in are constantly feeding us information on what we need to do, how we need to act, and what we need to be. Hence, living a life that gives full expression to you can be a challenge.
And I say that as someone who has always strived to be true to myself and to dance to my own tune. My mother was a great example of someone who sincerely attempted to be who she was and not care what anyone thought or said. However, whilst I observed her breaking all the moulds, and on the outside not caring what others said or thought, I was also aware of the deep sense of loneliness and isolation that she often experienced because of her commitment to being herself in the most real sense. When others whispered about her or cracked jokes at her expense, she, from appearances, would seem unaffected, but I would often glimpse an expression of hurt on her face. However, notwithstanding the costs she paid, until the day she died, she was a role model of someone who consciously chose to be her real self. In time, I have realised I am more like my mother than I have ever credited during her lifetime.
Moving beyond doubt
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
You may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
You may kill me with your hatefulness
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
―Maya Angelou
In the past few years, I have continuously pushed beyond the thresholds of doubt and have, in fact, seen amazing results. I have worked with the need to play it small, and I have increased my capacity to push out of my comfort zones. But I have to be honest, new frontiers can still bring up doubt and old fears, ‘what-ifs’ and an inner critic that somehow always reincarnates itself in myriad ways to question my worthiness. However, I have learnt not to let them run the show but rather to embrace them as my own because I have recognised their purpose of trying to protect me.
When we accept that our inner critic and doubts are actually a part of us – that they are psychological constructs built to protect us but have, in the process, internalised harmful beliefs from harmful systems – we can accept and work with these parts, helping them to deprogramme and mature, rather than fighting with them or trying to numb them out.
All that said, what have I learnt about owning a bigger life? For me, it has not been about looking at anyone else and comparing myself and my journey to them, but coming back to myself and asking, “Who do I truly desire and deserve to be?” and “What is the contribution I would like to make to the world?”. I have also learned to recognise that doubt often represents parts of me that have been hurt and need my compassion, not my judgment. Part of this compassion is not expecting them to make my decisions but rather allowing my adult self to give them comfort while also taking the lead in my life.
Below are some tips that have worked for me in stepping up into my bigness, my power:
#1: Being kinder to myself (no more hiding!)
Perhaps the most profound gift of being in my fifties is that I am kinder to myself. The very grace I extend to others, I extend to myself. I have learnt to notice those moments of self-criticism and to interrupt them. When I do this, I insert grace into any situation by simply taking a breath and grounding myself, through placing my feet on the floor and simply connecting to my inner knowing and kinder self. This practice has meant that I am braver – even when I don’t want to be brave – and I accept that about myself too. I have learnt that the greatest kindness to myself is to pause more often and enjoy the ride.
Being kinder to yourself plays a vital role in addressing and reducing self-doubt because it creates a safe space for growth and self-compassion. When you respond to yourself with kindness instead of harsh criticism, you soften the inner voice that amplifies doubts and fears. This gentle self-talk helps to counteract the negative messages that often tell you you’re not good enough or capable enough, replacing them with understanding and encouragement. As a result, you begin to see your mistakes and imperfections as normal parts of being human, rather than evidence of inadequacy.
Moreover, kindness to yourself fosters emotional resilience. When setbacks or doubts arise, approaching yourself with care allows you to handle these moments without spiralling into self-criticism or defeatism. It helps you build confidence that setbacks are temporary and that your worth isn’t dependent on flawless performance. Over time, this compassionate attitude encourages a mindset of growth and learning, enabling you to challenge self-doubts with greater patience and less judgment. Ultimately, being kinder to yourself strengthens your inner belief, empowering you to move forward with more courage and self-trust.
#2: Self-acceptance
I have noticed within me a deep acceptance of myself. This acceptance includes embracing the parts of me that live in the light, as well as those parts that lurk in the shadows. It also means that the ways in which I communicate with myself are honest because I am not afraid to acknowledge what shows up when I engage in the process of self-enquiry.
Self-acceptance is crucial in eliminating self-doubt because it serves as the foundation for genuine confidence and inner peace. When you embrace yourself, your strengths, flaws, imperfections, and all, you remove the internal conflict that often fuels doubt. Self-acceptance allows you to see yourself with compassion and kindness, recognising that you are inherently worthy, regardless of external validation or external success. This inner acceptance creates a buffer against the harsh inner critic that typically amplifies self-doubt, enabling you to respond to challenges with resilience rather than hesitation.
Furthermore, self-acceptance fosters authenticity. When you accept yourself fully, you no longer feel the need to pretend to be someone you’re not or to meet impossible standards. This reduces the fear of failure or rejection, which are common triggers of self-doubt. Instead of questioning your worth when things go wrong, you’re able to acknowledge your humanness and view setbacks as part of the growth process. Ultimately, self-acceptance shifts your mindset from one rooted in self-criticism to one rooted in compassion, making it easier to trust your abilities, embrace your true self, and move forward with confidence.
#3: Deep trust in myself
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts at this moment in my life is a deep trust in myself and my talents. I know for sure that I am good at what I do and that wherever I go, I add value. No longer do I look to others to affirm or validate what I have to offer. I am able to do that for myself now. Of course, positive feedback will always be welcome, but it is no longer the fuel I need to feel valued or worthy. This deep sense of confidence in my abilities has allowed me to experience immense joy in my work and in my collaborations with others.
Next, I have learnt to practice affirming my inner authority through intentional, affirming language. To speak to myself with kindness and confidence, reinforcing my capacity to show up fully. For example, I tell myself, “I am enough,” “My voice matters,” or “I have the right to be present and heard.” Over time, these affirmations strengthened my internal muscle of confidence. When faced with situations that tempt me to shrink (which still happens), I listen to my inner voice urging courage and resilience. And I let it remind me that my existence and contributions are valid and valuable. By consistently aligning with this inner authority, I gradually reclaimed my power, allowing myself to step boldly into spaces without fear or hesitation.
#4: Loving myself just the way I am
I have also noticed that I am a lot more comfortable within my body. When I look at a picture of myself in my 30s, I can only think, “Wow, I looked so good”, but also “Why was I also so insecure?” When I look at myself now, I can honestly say I love myself much more than I did 20 years ago. It took a lot of work to get here!
Loving yourself is a powerful antidote to self-doubt because it shifts the way you perceive and relate to your inner experiences. When you cultivate self-love, you create a foundation of acceptance and compassion that allows you to observe your doubts without harsh judgment or criticism. Instead of seeing doubt as a reflection of your inadequacy, you begin to see it as a natural part of the human experience, something that everyone encounters and can learn from. Loving yourself provides reassurance that your worth isn’t contingent on perfection or constant success, but on your inherent value as a person.
Furthermore, self-love nurtures your inner resilience and confidence, enabling you to approach challenges and uncertainties with greater patience and openness. When you practice loving kindness toward yourself, you become less reactive to negative self-talk and less influenced by the voice of doubt. Instead of shrinking away, you can respond with curiosity and compassion – recognising that doubts are simply signals asking for understanding or reassurance, not proof of failure. Over time, this deep self-acceptance helps diminish the power of doubt, empowering you to move forward with greater certainty and belief in your abilities.
#5: Doing more of what I like and love
For many years, my time was spent on work, family, friends and the many projects I was involved in at the community level, which left very little time for me. However, I have learnt to make time that is just for me, to do absolutely nothing or to do more of what I love. Whether it is to pursue different activities, take care of my health or simply binge-watch a season of my favourite drama, it is worth it because it allows me to fill up my tank and also deepen the connection that I have with myself. This has included learning to ride a bike, going to cooking classes, dancing and more dancing. What it has also meant is that I have had to say NO more often, and to be discerning as I make choices about how I spend my precious time.
Doing things you love can be a powerful way to help eliminate self-doubt because it reconnects you with your intrinsic worth, passion and sense of purpose. When you engage in activities that genuinely bring you joy, you tap into your authentic self – those parts of you that feel alive, creative, and capable. This process helps to reinforce a positive self-image and builds confidence, reminding you of your strengths and talents. The more you nurture what you love, the clearer your sense of self becomes, making it easier to quiet the negative inner voice that fuels doubt.
Engaging in activities you enjoy also often provides a sense of mastery and accomplishment, which directly challenges feelings of inadequacy. When you see yourself succeed, whether in small steps or large achievements, your belief in your ability to handle challenges grows. These positive experiences serve as tangible evidence that you are capable, worthy and deserving of success and happiness. Over time, consistently dedicating time to what you love helps to reframe self-doubt as a temporary hurdle rather than a defining truth, replacing it with a deeper trust in your resilience and potential.
